Monday, 31 October 2011

My recipe for drawing an abscess

Part of me wants to make a joke about 'you start with a sheet of paper and a pencil...', but another part of me knows that if you have an abscess, drawing (i am the PUNisher!) it out so you can move out of the seedy neighbourhood that is The Land Of Pain, into a luxury apartment with a view in the Kingdom of Feeling Rad Healthy is no laughing matter.



Ingredients

1 tablespoon of Epsom Salts (available in the health aisle of your supermarket, or your local pharmacist).
1 Tsp Turmeric (fresh grated or powdered- available from the herb section of your supermarket. Fresh grated is way potent.)
1 Dry Waterproof Dressing and Medical Tape or bandaid.
Pawpaw ointment/coconut oil or similar cream.

When to do this?

If you are unable to massage away the lump, go to your doctor. Nothing beats professional medical advice. If, after your diagnosis you still just want the damn thing out of your body and wish there was a way to draw it closer to the surface so it could burst and be emptied like I did, well, this is for you.

I recommend doing this at night so you can sleep through the weird feeling of having gritty goop stuck to your boob…

Directions

1. Mix the Epsom Salts and Turmeric with enough ointment to make it 'sort of' stick together. It wont ever get smooth, or combine nicely like a batter or dough.


2. Put this shitful smelling crunchy goop on the site of your abscess. I recommend doing this in the shower or in the bathroom where if you drop any it wont be a huge drama to clean up.

3. Cover with the dressing, and stick on with enough medical tape to completely seal your goop on the site- or you will end up waking with yellow stained bedsheets.

4. Repeat nightly. It took about 5 days for my abscess to be drawn sufficiently close to the surface to burst.

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